“I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” ...

The title of this blog post was taken from my favourite book (besides Harry Potter) - 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'.
I think that that quote is so incredibly apt, particularly for people of my age group, because it explains exactly how I, and a lot of others, feel pretty much the majority of the time.
It's confusing if you don't know the feeling, and it's a hard thing to try to explain to someone.
If somebody asks 'are you okay' you'll answer with 'I'm fine', because you are, and they'll say 'great!' and walk away. And it's completely not their fault because they're not supposed to know, and you've just said you're fine, haven't you?
But what you really want is for someone to say 'do you want to chat?' because yes, that's exactly what you want.

Whenever someone asks me if I'm okay, I never say what's wrong right away because otherwise I feel as if I'm loading all of my problems onto them and it can be quite overwhelming and perhaps slightly scary for that person. It's only after they've asked me quite a few times if i'm okay that'll I'll eventually say what ever it is bothering me.
It might sound selfish or attention seeking or whatever you want to call it, and maybe it is, but is there anything wrong with wanting a bit of attention? It doesn't have to be
EVERYONE LOOK AT ME
attention. More
somebody cares about me
attention.

(I have no clue if i'm making sense here)

Being both happy and sad is strange. With me, for example, the happy part is that my life is pretty great, I have the bestest friends I could ever ask for, I get on incredibly well with my family, I'm healthy, and have a roof over my head.
So what could possibly be wrong???
I d o n ' t k n o w
I'm a massive worrier so it could be anything.
From 'this person hasn't replied to my text - they hate me' to 'in the next year I have to do exams that determine my future'.

((I have no clue where I'm going with this but I wanted to say it and hopefully tell someone reading this that just because you aren't depressed, homeless, or living an awful life it does not mean that you are not allowed to be sad.))

I'm an incredibly happy person and I try my hardest to stay that way especially for some of my friends who maybe need someone to make them smile.
My main goal in life is to make people happy and when I see anyone who is sad I honestly hate it.
It's going to sound so generic and typical teenage girl-y but I'm serious when I say that seeing people cry makes me cry.
I'm always willing to lend people a hug or a smile - especially a hug I'm being serious, okay, you could be anyone at all I  d o n ' t c a r e, if you need a hug I will give you a bloody hug!

But it's quite hard to be 'the happy person' who's 'always happy' and whom people have 'never seen cry', because sometimes people forget that you maybe need a bit of cheering up too or someone to ask you, 'what are you worrying about' because it doesn't have to be a big thing for it to completely take over your mind and make you worried. But it's also not hard to hide that with a smile and, right away, you're back to your 'happy' self.
And I think that's what being happy and sad at the same time is.

You're sad without being depressed.
And happy without sadness being out of the question.

You want someone to say 'what are you worrying about?' because then you know they know something's wrong which makes you feel cared about and also you feel more inclined to answer fully, because they're asking you to tell them what's wrong. Not just to tell them 'I'm fine'.

If you're thinking
 'of my life thank you Elspeth you have just described me and I thought I was the only one'.
that.is.great.
and I have given you some ideas below of what to do when you're feeling a bit down, until you're happy again:
- watch you're favourite film. even if it's the 30th time you've watched it. do it. I do this a lot. If I've had a crap day or I'm feel crap ~ I stick on Tangled or Harry Potter and I feel happy again
- do whatever it is that you love. be it drawing, reading, walking around, tidying, w h a t e v e r. do it. keep it stress free, fun, satisfying and relaxing ~ drawing Disney characters is what I tend to do
- text your closest friend. don't text them what's wrong. not right now. just have a conversation about anything ~ this honestly helps so so much
- listen to music. every time I feel rubbish I listen to music and it makes me feel something else I can't describe
- eat. no explanation needed.
- sleep. or lie on your bed on your own and just think about anything.
- think about happy memories with your friends or family

and the cheesiest yet most effective one

think about everyone and anyone you love smiling and laughing.
yes i realise how unbearable cheesy it is
but i promise you

it works

***

I hope you feel more happy than sad soon
Elspeth
xx

getting to know you...

s/n ~ this blog post is for any new readers I may have but also nosy parkers (which is fairly hypocritical    of me because I am HUGELY nosy, and love reading Q&As)

s/n ~ this is one of the two blog posts for this month, if you were hoping for something more like my usual ones, do not worry, you will get one 

s/n ~ all of these questions are new and if they're not they'll probably have different answers. If you are a new reader and want some more informative questions as well as these (i.e: what's your name, how old are you, why did you start this blog) look at my other Q&A

O N W I T H T H E S H O W

• What is your middle name ? ~ I have two, don't'cha know??  Katherine and Louise
• How old are you? ~ I'll be sixteen in October, so you work that one out - mmm
• When is your birthday? ~ 13th of October 1998
• What is your favourite colour? ~ grey and coral 
• What's your favourite number? ~ 3 and I have absolutely no clue why. 
• If you could have any pet what would it be and what would you call it? ~ a lizard (probably a Gecko) called Pascal, and a rabbit called Rita
• Where are you from? ~ I'm from London, my mum's from Kent (she's very proud of that), and my dad's from Scotland making me half Scottish which I am hugely proud of! Look this is our clan's tartan: 

                 A I N T  I T  M A R V E L L O U S

• How tall are you? ~ short
• What shoe size are you? ~ 4 or 5 depending on ze shoe 
• How many pairs of shoes do you own? ~ not many. the majority are converse or nike or some kind of trainer type thing because that's all I wear.
• What was your last dream about? ~ the Matt Healy came round to our house and it made me v sad when I woke up and realised it was not, in fact, true :((
• What talents do you have? ~ I really hate these questions, it's like self evaluation at school like ugh I don't know you're the teacher you're mean't to know, I just have to turn up for 14 years. But anyway, um, well: fitting my hand and arm inside a Pringles tube, scrolling through tumblr, Harry potter, taking a hugely long amount of time to eat an icecream, eating breakfast (I definitely eat more than you) and eheh, well,  I do pride myself in how strong my cat-flick-eyeliner game is *brushes shoulder*
• Favourite song? ~ I cannot possibly chose my favourite song ever, but my favourite songs at the moment are 'So Far (it's alright)' and 'You' by The 1975 and 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' by The Beatles
• Favourite film ~ I have soooo many but top ones (not including Harry Potter) would be: School of Rock, Mrs Doubtfire, Big Fish, Tangled, Finding Nemo, The Amazing Spider-man (1&2), The Lion King, any Mr Bean film, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and any one of The Muppets films
• What would you call your children? ~ Peter, for a boy, and Ramona, for a girl. But I also like the names Noah and Rita
• Have you ever been to the hospital? ~ yes but never for myself (apart from that one time I was born), only just to visit people
• Have you ever been in trouble with the law? ~ I'm 'a pleasure to teach' do you think I'd ever be in trouble with the law?? honestly
• Have you met an celebrities? ~ I've met Karen Hardy (off Strictly), Sarah Lamb (one of my absolute favourite ballet dancers), Jacqueline Wilson (which i still haven't got over and remembered my name from an email I sent her - perks of having an unusual name), and I have Kim and Aggie's autograph (I'm the envy of the world), and Paloma Faith's autograph which I was hugging yesterday because it's so bloody perfect, and made me cry when I got given it (it was a surprise)
• Baths or showers? ~ Showers probably
• What colour socks are you wearing? ~ I'm not, I'm in bed, and if you wear socks to bed they end up wedged at the end when you wake up. mm. no. don't do it.
• Have you ever been famous? ~ my dad was in a band that won a mobo ... and he got recognised in a pub ... and I was there ... if that counts... um
• Would you like to be a big celebrity? ~ na m8
• What type of music do you like? ~ my music taste is literally so varied I don't even understand it. Like when God gave out music tastes and He got to me He was probably so bored and just went 'I'll just give her a bit of everything, let her be confused for the rest of her life lols'. However, my favourite/most listened to genres are probably indie and soundtrack/cinematic - please don't ask.
• How many pillows do you sleep with? ~ two at the top (main ones) and one at the side (I can't really explain just, believe me, it's comfy
• What position do you sleep in? ~ um well okay: on my side, underneath-arm's-hand under my pillow, the other kind of draped out of my bed, duvet tucked underneath me behind me and in front of me, under my underneath cheek (face cheek - just to clarify) ... (I basically use my duvet as a fourth pillow as well as the two main ones and the other side one, and my legs are normally whatever way is comfortable but normally straight down, tucked up, or one tucked up and one straight down. so yeah. don't quite know why I explained that in so much detail but hey.
• How big is your house? ~ that made me start singing 'how deep is your love' and have no clue why... anyway not very big. It's very narrow and very tall and goes quite far back 
• What do you typically have for breakfast? ~ anything. anything at all. I love breakfast. but on a normal day, more than one piece of nutella coated toast and more than one bowl of cereal. any cereal. give it to me.
• Have you ever fired a gun? ~ no but I expect if I were to I'd go flying backwards
• Have you ever tried archery? ~ no but I waNT TO SO BADLY every time there was a 'what clubs do you want' letter at primary school I would ALWAYS put archery. and they never did it. meh
• Favourite clean word? ~ if we're talking about like literal clean it would be soak, but if we're talking about 'clean' as in not rude, it would be crackle
• Favourite swear word? ~ it rhymes with lover trucker ... I love that word
• Do you have any scars? ~ yep one on my knee and one of my thumb-knuckle innit
• Are you a good liar? ~ not when I'm trying to lie to my sister because I laugh, but I'm not bad - I do do drama you know *flips hair*
• Can you do accents? ~ I'm alright at them I can say odd words in most. I can do Scottish fairly well, the generic American, Texan and I do a pretty good farmer ngl. But I never knew how much I slipped into them until I filmed half a four hour car journey. I do accents a lot. I also sing a lot - just randomly. Seriously if you can't handle me singing songs that have lyrics of something you just said in, we can't be friends.
• What is your favourite accent? ~ Scottish and Jamaican. I want a Scottish accent so so badly
• What is your personality type? ~ 'ENFP : The advocate : they are enthusiastic, expressive, and charismatic leaders. They are spontaneous, wild and posses a great zest for life. ENFPs are dreamers. They are driven by their values, and strive to champion causes they believe in. They are resourceful, visionary and creative.' .... apparently
• What is your most expensive piece of clothing? ~ my Paloma Faith baseball jacket (£50 or £60 I can't remember which) 
• Can you curl your tongue? ~ oui
• Left or right handed? ~ lefty 4 lyf
• Are you scared of spiders? ~ well let me put it this way - if whoever I marry can't deal with spiders we have a M A J O R problem
• Favourite meal? ~ Roast dinner or macaroni cheese 
• Favourite foreign food? ~ do square sausages and scotch pies count?
• Are you a clean or messy person? ~ I'd like to say I was clean, but my room would beg to differ
• Most used phrase? ~ is there any pudding?
• Most used word? ~ oops
• How long does it take you to get ready? ~ on a school morning I get up at 6/6:30 and leave the house at 8:30 so... work that one out
• Do you suck or bite lollipops? ~ I can make a lollipop last an eternity. suck.
• Do you talk to yourself? ~ no only if I drop something etc then I'll probably say something rude to myself but that doesn't really count i don't think
• Do you sing to yourself? ~ yes. and hum.
• Are you a good singer? ~ pfffffttttt no
• Biggest fear? ~ house fires, spiders, wax models 
• Are you a gossiper? ~ of course not that's horrible! How could you possibly accuse me of - I am disgusted - I - ..... yes.... who isn't?....well you my friend, you're lying...
• Best dramatic movie you've seen? (not including Harry Potter) ~ the Amazing Spider-man 2
• Do you like long or short hair? ~ Matty Healy hair
• Can you name all 50 states of America? ~ no. but I'd give it a good go if I could be bothered
• Favourite subject? ~ art and geography
• Extrovert or introvert? ~ Ambivert (in between)
• What makes you nervous? ~ exams. dance exams. school exams. any exams.
• Are you scared of the dark? ~ it depends if I've watched something scary before I'm in that darkness
• Do you correct people when they make mistakes? ~ I am Queen of the grammar police
• Are you ticklish? ~ oh man am I ticklish. I'm convinced I'm way more ticklish than it's healthy to be. seriously. 
• Have you ever started a rumour? ~ nope
• Have you ever been in a position of authority? ~ well I'm bossy... so... if that counts
• Are you competitive? ~ let me put it this way. if you're in my team. we win. especially if there's a prize involved and that prize is food. however if the activity is sports based, it's fine. chill out. we're not winning this one.
• Have you ever drank underage? ~ *whispers* I've had champagne with orange juice in and Pimms *gasps* aren't I naughty.... living life on the edge, that's what I'm about
• Have you ever done drugs? ~ paracetamol 
• Who was your first real crush? ~ Peter Pan. The Disney one and the boy in the real life one.
• How many piercings do you have? do you want more? ~ I have my ears pierced (just the normal one) but I want a second one next to it, and I want tragus, and cartilige, and I want my nose pierced (apparently it's called an 'alas' but basically the generic one)
• How fast can you type? ~ very fast. faster if I'm ranting.
• How fast can you run? ~ 100m is the only thing I'm semi alright at. so fairly fast.
• What colour is your hair? ~ dirty blonde
• What colour are your eyes? ~ blue/grey 
• Do you keep a journal? ~ no but I have a notebook that I take most places I go incase I want to write something down - you know iNsPiRaTiOn and that
• What makes you angry? ~ sexist people and people who aren't kind to other people when they've done nothing wrong and ARG
• Do you like your own name? ~ yeah boi
• Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? ~ a boy. but I don't really mind
• Strengths? ~ eating breakfast, making collages, watching youtube and films, doing hair, procrastinating
• Weaknesses? ~ PE, being productive, maths, Matt Healy, Paloma and Harry Potter
• How did your get your name? ~ well it's scottish and half of my family are scottish so
• Were your ancestors royalty? ~ I wish
• Colour of your duvet cover? ~ I have a white one with pink flowers on (the one Zoella used to have if that helps??... ngl I fangirled when she got that and I had the same... stop elspeth) and I have a black and white one that I can only describe as like a kind the pattern you get on a Chinese plate except black and white instead of blue and white... they're both from IKEA anyway
• Colour of your room? ~ soon to be grey ooooo

// S O  T H E R E  W E  H A V E  I T //

wasn't that exciting?!

I hope those answers were satisfactory and the questions were to your liking (I didn't make them up so if they weren't, blame who ever wrote them)

and like I said, another, normal, blog post will be up very soon this month so - look out for that one

//love

Elspeth x//